I love Puppies

Yay for Megan for sending me this awesome birthday puppy. (Still...

Fri, 25 May 2012 19:18:20 -0400

Yay for Megan for sending me this awesome birthday puppy. (Still in the office at 7:18, w00t)

“Call me Maybe” - Cover by Fun

Thu, 24 May 2012 02:57:33 -0400

“Call me Maybe” - Cover by Fun

Hair Lasers

Mon, 21 May 2012 01:12:00 -0400

I won a free laser hair removal treatment by putting my business card into a fishbowl at Equinox. The email said that I was the lucky recipient of one session for my upper lip or chin, neither of which are very hairy. What was Equinox trying to tell me?

But I have a life rule that says you should never pass up free stuff, which is why I was at a gym in the first place even though I hate physical exertion. The month-long pass had come courtesy of the swag bag at the HBO party for Girls. I do not think anyone on that show would go to Equinox. What was Lena Dunham trying to tell me? (Then again the bag also contained BANANAGRAMS, which is an awesome game that is basically Scrabble but without the board. It has yet to be referenced on the show either.)

I went to the front desk of the gym at Rockefeller Center, which is my favorite Equinox because they give you free workout clothes. They are drab and grey and make you look like a prisoner, but that is part of the appeal. Sometimes while changing I will lean over to the half-naked woman next to me and murmur, “Only 10 days till I’m busting outta here, I don’t care who I have to shiv. I’m going to be free.” Or in the middle of running on the elliptical I’ll just scream “ATTICA!”

I don’t even know what movie that’s from.

At the desk, a very pretty woman not named Jennifer introduced herself to me. I know she wasn’t named Jennifer, because later I called her Jennifer and she had to correct me. Actually, now that I think about it, maybe her name was Jennifer and I called her Veronica. Whatever, she lasered my face, I’ll call her what I like.

The door to the spa at Equinox is hidden somewhere in the locker room. You will never find it without the help of Alfred Molina in the beginning of Indiana Jones, but once inside, it is a cavern of wonder. Soft, ambient music piped while candles lit the otherwise dark hallway. We passed a series of rooms, all of which seemed to be massage parlors. Then Veronica/Jennifer opened the last door in the corridor, and ushered me into a replica of a dentist’s office, fluorescent lighting and all. The whole experience was very disconcerting, like passing from a locker room to a massage parlor into a dentist’s office, which was exactly what happened.

Veronica/Jennifer told me to lie down on the hospital-looking bed they had set up in the middle of the room. I sat down. “No, lie down, make yourself comfortable,” she insisted. I wanted to tell her that I was more comfortable sitting up than lying prone in what very well could double as a gynecologist’s office, but this was my first rodeo, so I did what I was told.

“Laser hair removal is a series of six treatments,” the spaseusse told me. “This first one is free, but you’ll need to come back five more times in order to fully get rid of the hair.”

“That’s how they get you,” I thought. What I said out loud was, “I don’t really have any hair on my lip.”

V-J frowned. “Yes, you do.” I obviously wasn’t making her job easier. “But don’t worry, this procedure is pretty painless. I just zap you with this big light…” Here, she held out what looked like one of those x-ray things at the dentists, “And then in four to six days, your hair follicles will burn up and fall out.”

I was under the impression that this was an instant-results kind of procedure. This sounded more like a small dose of radiation poisoning. It sounded like what happens in chemotherapy. I had an image of being in the shower, with clumps of my nonexistent upper lip hair wetly slapping against the drain while I cried.

“Okay,” I said. Like I mentioned earlier, I don’t really turn down free things, even if they are unescary and probably dangerous.

“Okay, just put these goggles on,” the lady told me. “And…shit, I forgot to ask…are you pregnant or taking medications?”

“What medications interfere with lasers?” I asked.

“You’d be surprised,” she said. She leaned over me. “Now, close your eyes during the flash.”

Flash. All the fillings in my teeth rattled. It kind of felt like someone tattooed my face.

“Yeah, people say it’s like getting a face tattoo,” V-J said nonchalantly. I wondered about those people: Were they speaking from experience? Was there a correlation between face tattoos and the desire to burn off all your body hair with selective photothermolysis.

After about three flashes, I was told I was all done. “Stay out of the sun,” Veronica or Jennifer advised me. “That are is going to be sensitive for awhile.”

“But it will still have hair there?” I asked.

“Yes, for several more days,” I was ushered out into the soothing hallway, and had to feel along the walls until I found the door back into the locker room.

When I finally looked into a mirror, there were some tiny red bumps all along the upper ridge of my lips. On the plus side though: no hair. And so far, none has fallen out in traumatically large fistfuls, though Wikipedia lists these delightful side-effects from my experience:
Change in skin pigment, burning the skin or discoloration of the skin, hypopigmentation (white spots), flare of acne, swelling around the hair follicle, scab formation, purpura, and infection.

I forgot to ask if they offered a teeth whitening service anywhere in the building, but I figure a coupon for more laser cosmetics will show up if I’m patient.

My life is now complete: James Franco finally noticed me! (And...

Wed, 16 May 2012 14:09:16 -0400

My life is now complete: James Franco finally noticed me! (And then wrote a very angry Livejournal entry about it on HuffPost)

Overheard on the G line: World's Worst Triathlon?

Wed, 16 May 2012 04:10:16 -0400

Tall guy: It's not that I'm against the obstacles, I just don't want to run 10 miles, period.
Short, buff guy: But it really helps you get in shape.
Tall guy: I don't want to get wet, I don't want to have to swim and then run around damp.
Short, buff guy: I hear you.
Tall guy: And I really don't like the part where they hook a car battery up to your testicles.
Short, buff guy: Oh yeah, I heard about that!

I do not know how I feel about The Mindy Kaling Project. I feel...

Tue, 15 May 2012 18:14:48 -0400

I do not know how I feel about The Mindy Kaling Project. I feel like I’ll just be comparing it to Girls, and that’s not fair. Though aren’t we all just comparing everything to Girls these days?

New favorite Twitter feed

Tue, 15 May 2012 18:08:30 -0400

New favorite Twitter feed

"A few days after that rooftop party, Max and the cokehead brother, Marcelo, take a helicopter to a..."

Tue, 15 May 2012 16:15:11 -0400

“

A few days after that rooftop party, Max and the cokehead brother, Marcelo, take a helicopter to a nightclub across town. In a rare reverie after dissing a soccer player across the V.I.P. lounge, Marcelo asks Max, “What do you do about life?”

Max (played wonderfully by James McCaffrey) sneers in self-loathing. “Look at me,” he says. “I’m standing in a nightclub listening to music I can’t stand. I’m 5,000 miles from home. I’m armed, and I’m drinking. You don’t want to listen to advice from me, Amigo.”

Marcelo laughs and says, “Oh, Max, I love you man.”

He’s not alone.

”

- I cannot believe Seth Schiesel’s ability to review video games. He makes Max Payne 3 sound like goddamn Casablanca.

Is Saturday Night Live funnier online?

Mon, 14 May 2012 13:43:45 -0400

Is Saturday Night Live funnier online?

Diamond dogs!

Thu, 10 May 2012 16:45:18 -0400

Diamond dogs!

Photo

Thu, 10 May 2012 16:44:07 -0400

Steve: clealry, the best of all possible wars

Thu, 10 May 2012 11:30:19 -0400

Steve: clealry, the best of all possible wars

Hey Kanye, no one asked you to spend your day in Old Navy.

Mon, 07 May 2012 17:00:33 -0400

Hey Kanye, no one asked you to spend your day in Old Navy.

nprfreshair: Today: Lena Dunham addresses all of the backlash...

Mon, 07 May 2012 12:58:14 -0400

nprfreshair:

Today: Lena Dunham addresses all of the backlash surrounding her HBO show Girls and talks about how she came up with many of the story lines. (Other topics include her tattoos, her feelings about sex, college, parents, growing older, finding out former boyfriends are gay, and navigating post-college life.)

thenotes: Page 127 of June’s Vanity Fair. Don’t flip a page too...

Mon, 07 May 2012 12:56:38 -0400

thenotes:

Page 127 of June’s Vanity Fair. Don’t flip a page too far or you’ll end up on some lost nude photos of Marilyn Monroe.

For what it's worth, I honestly could and did give him the gay seal of approval that he was clearly looking for, and also some other generally useless thoughts. And in the acknowledgments of this book, he thanks well more than 100 people for reading drafts, including Michael Chabon, Dave Eggers, Chelsea Clinton, Gary Shteyngart, Keith Gessen, as well as a number of his friends and/or exceptional lesser-known writers, and me.

Mon, 07 May 2012 12:54:58 -0400

For what it's worth, I honestly could and did give him the gay seal of approval that he was clearly looking for, and also some other generally useless thoughts. And in the acknowledgments of this book, he thanks well more than 100 people for reading drafts, including Michael Chabon, Dave Eggers, Chelsea Clinton, Gary Shteyngart, Keith Gessen, as well as a number of his friends and/or exceptional lesser-known writers, and me.:

fek:

I am never emailing anybody anything ever again. Also, the last two sentences of this part. Wow?/!

What the fuck:

One harrowing and unfortunate declaration (by blurb machine Gary Shteyngart) describes the book as Eat, Pray, Love as written by David Foster Wallace. As upsetting as that is, it’s accurate.

Nice Trayvon Martin reference, SNL.

Sun, 06 May 2012 18:17:43 -0400

Nice Trayvon Martin reference, SNL.

I was so very confused about this commercial until Steve pointed...

Sun, 06 May 2012 18:12:52 -0400

I was so very confused about this commercial until Steve pointed out it was for BOTH an Android phone and also that new Ridley Scott movie. Now it still makes no sense but ooh! Michael Fassbender!

Yo, big ups to the lil sis for being able to remember...

Fri, 04 May 2012 13:44:00 -0400

Yo, big ups to the lil sis for being able to remember Shufflepuck Cafe, the best game in the world!

Tan mom: victim of fat, ugly person conspiracy???

Thu, 03 May 2012 16:44:51 -0400

Tan mom: victim of fat, ugly person conspiracy???